Quite often, after the emotionally high phase of congratulatory messages for the birth of your child, females (mothers) are hit indecently (yes, you read it right, indecently) with question-cum-judgmental statements like:
– When are you getting back to Work?
– Are you at all planning to get back to work?
– It will be really nice, if you strike a balance between your work and family!
– Financial independence will be something, you will miss, but that’s okay.
– You will, now have a lot of time to pamper yourself.
– Oh! Its so easy to be a mother these days! Diapers and day cares have taken care of everything
– Oh wow! You don’t have to stress yourself with any responsibility. You just have to take care of child and yourself.
– How blessed you are, you don’t have to worry about credit cards etc
– Lovely yaar! Now, you will have your ‘ME’ time.
Side 1: Salaried Mother
Few people are genuinely concerned and few are ready to pass a judgment, the moment you reply them back with your decision. If you say, you are going to get back to work- instantly many think-
– How ruthless, she is? She will leave her infant and shed off her all responsibilities on others.
– How mean she is, she is using her parents or in-laws as caretakers.
– She is just after money and her personal materialistic goals, family ain’t her priority.
– How awful, she wants to give a miss to her child milestones.
– She prefers her foreign holiday over her family.
Side 2: Salary-less Mother
And if she says, she will leave her salaried work, again few will definitely appreciate and few again wonder like-
– How backward/ stupid she is? In a moment, she is ready to put all her education and experience in a corner.
– How insensitive of her to let her husband shoulder all the responsibilities alone?
– How lazy ass she is, she has just found another reason to rest her butts.
– Why does she need maids now? She is at home all the day.
Why to Take Sides
In all this, madness created by volley of judgement thrown directly or indirectly at newly turned parents, specifically at the mother, many succumb to societal pressures. Either of the decision one takes, it gives way to immense physical, mental or social stress in many newly turned parents’ lives. I will be partial if I say only because of this societal pressure such decisions are taken. There are tons of factors, which makes the swing go heavy on either of the side, while taking this crucial decision.
Blame Game
Very few are able to chaff out a clear priority list and take a decision.
Many times I wonder, when I was taking this crucial decision of not getting back to work, was it really as per my own priorities or indirectly was imposed by someone or many unknown. Most of the times, I feel and get relaxed – primarily it was my own decision. But many a times, I am hit upon by my salary-less status , screwed up daily schedule or when have nothing to motivate me or to look forward each morning, I assess the secondary factors minutely.
In an attempt to find out who that unknown face(s) is/are? And then on deep introspection, many faces appear in my mind who are hardly (not always) of any relevance to me at all. Still, I kept them in my this decision-influencer list knowingly or unknowingly.
Blame Game Dust Settles
And after so much time, staying away from salaried work and being myself most of the time, I realised – to some it looks as a blame game- someone said so or implied so. But in reality, we, female salaried/salary-less workforce (not every mother thinks alike. But as per my understanding, I am assuming so) look for validation of themselves, their decisions and their actions. Reason for this feeling of validation crops up from a simple fact that we are educated, skilled, experienced, and exposed. While taking (many do not even take themselves) up this crucial decision of having a family or leaving/joining back the work, many are already are under so much similar pressures that combination of current and upcoming pressures creates a mystery and confusion similar to the mystery of Bermuda Triangle.
My three piece conclusion from my own sheer experience-
- Nothing is perfect.
This notion takes time to sink in. I strongly feel words like ‘ideal, balance and perfect’ should be thrown out of dictionary. And everyone comes to this conclusion in their own good way. - Try to be more aware and sensitive, before being judgmental especially about others, you will never know when you can take flight/landing in such confusion.
- Everyone’s opinion is not worth considering.
No one can be correct all the times. So, try to be a better filter as per current situation.P.S. Writing is an amazing offloading exercise for me these days. I also prefer verbal ‘gyaan’ for instant gratification.